Moments too late
by I like drawing ducks
Summary: What if Fin stood in line and waited for the needle? What if he didn't get to Olivia in time? Starts in Undercover when Melinda asks Olivia about how she knew the evidence was correct.
1. Chapter 1

Moments too late

A/N: This is my first fanfiction for SVU and I'd love to be helped to improve.

"Olivia, were you raped?" Melinda asked the question sternly, looking at the detective in front of her. Dreading the answer. Knowing what her earlier answer indicated. She saw the woman looking down, tears starting to form in her eyes. She felt her heart shatter inside her, knowing that if she didn't push the issue no one would.

"Olivia, it's important that you answer my question." She sighed, wishing she didn't have to do this.

"Olivia…" She began a third time, her voice weak. She was interrupted by and equally weak one.

"Yes…" Olivia sobbed and Melinda moved to comfort her expecting Olivia to move back, to say that she was fine even though they both could tell it was a lie. Instead she stood still, letting Melinda drape her arms around her.

Melinda moved back, sighing once again over what she knew she needed to do.

"Have you showered since the attack?" She asked softly, realizing she was mimicking the tone she had heard Olivia use a hundred times with victims.

Olivia immediately recognized what her coworker was getting at.

"No, no… I won't do a rape kit."

"Olivia, if you don't we can't prove he did this to you."

"I can't…" Her voice broke and she took a breath before continuing "I… I…" Her voice broke again and she gave up. Melinda still knew what she meant. Many victims didn't want to do a rape kit. It was invasive, brought up memories of the attack and – something you shouldn't overlook - embarrassing. But the women she had heard say that were victims. Olivia was an expert on getting those women to do a kit anyway and now she was saying the same things as a victim. It broke her heart to hear.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of" Melinda tried, knowing it was futile.

"I know that I just… just…" She buried her face in her hands. "I am" There was an undertone of pain in her voice and Melinda hated herself for pushing on but did it anyway.

"What are you ashamed of Liv?" Once again she though that Olivia would pull back and assure her everything was fine. The detective had a reputation of never letting anyone close – not even Elliot. But she didn't. She instead continued in a broken voice.

"I… I feel so weak" Melinda winced at her words, yet again hearing a victims words come from the detective's mouth.

"You're not weak" Melinda said in an assuring tone.

"Yes I am. I let him lead me to the basement, I let him overpower me, I let him…"

"Stop!" Melinda interrupted not capable of hearing one more thing Oliva blamed herself for. "What do you always tell the victims?" she pleaded.

"It's not your fault" Olivia whispered almost inaudibly.

"And do you believe that?"

"Of course" she said in the same quit tone.

"So why won't you believe it for yourself"

"I'm a cop, I'm trained, I…" Olivia struggled to explain the feelings of shame she knew was unfounded but nonetheless felt.

"He was armed and had handcuffs, you were unarmed and cuffed." Melinda stopped and sighed. "There was nothing you could have done"

"I should have gone to the warden, I should have…"

"Olivia, listen to me. This was not your fault. What he did to you does not define you." She paused briefly then added. "In any way." She swallowed and then continued. "Olivia, you are not weak – you're strong. And you have nothing to be ashamed of." Melinda looked at Olivia who was staring at the floor.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of" Melinda said soothingly. "Olivia, you know how important a rape kit can be." She sighed and looked at the unresponsive woman in front of her. "Olivia, please…" she pleaded.

Olivia looked up, meeting Melinda's eyes. Melinda nearly gasped at how hurt the detective looked. The same detective who was infamous for always claiming she was okay when everyone knew it was a lie. The same detective who never showed a weakness. The same detective who had consoled and convinced hundreds of rape victims was now one herself.

"I can't." She paused, pleading with Melinda to understand. "I just can'"

"Yes you can. You're strong. You can do this."

"I can't." She looked down and Melinda thought she was going to cry before she continued. "And besides we can't convict him for… that"

"Why!" Melinda demanded.

"If we do we won't get him for Ashley. They will say I lead her on."

"Did you" Melinda asked carefully.

"No! But the defense will say that anyway."

"If they do we can still get him on yours"

"What if he says it was consensual? That I'm crying rape?"

"An exam can show trauma…" Melinda began softly. She saw Olivia flinch and turned to comfort her. But this time she pulled away.

"Then he'll say I 'like it rough'." Olivia said the phrase bitterly.

"They won't believe him. You're a cop, you're trustworthy…"

"I wasn't at the time. I was an inmate, he was a guard."

"That doesn't excuse…" Melinda began, but stopped knowing it was futile. She wouldn't be able to convince Olivia, not in that way at least. "Olivia, you need to get tested even if you aren't going to report it. Which you should."

"I… I…" Olivia tried to explain that she just couldn't. She couldn't let anyone se the damage he had done to her. The damage she had failed to stop. She couldn't let anyone see that she was a victim. But that was not something she could tell Melinda.

"I'll go with you" Melinda offered.

"Okay" Olivia said quietly.

"Come" Melinda motioned for her to follow and started walking towards her car. Olivia silently followed.

When they arrived at the car Olivia looked at Melinda.

"Do I have to do this?" Olivia tried to sound calm but there was an undertone of panic to her voice.

"I'm sorry" Melinda simply said and opened the door and motioned for Olivia to step in. She went to the driver's side and jumped in. She looked briefly at Olivia. She was turned against the window, looking out.

When they got to the hospital Olivia stepped out of the car without Melinda having to urge her.

"I'll come with you" She offered and started to follow Olivia who had already started walking.

"You don't have to." Olivia said, trying her best to seem normal. "It's okay" She tried to smile.

Melinda wasn't fooled by the attempt.

"I want to" She didn't know whether to be glad Olivia was back to insisting she was fine or to be worried about why she absolutely didn't want her there. Olivia started walking again and Melinda simply followed.

They arrived at the lobby and Olivia approached the desk. Melinda stopped her gently touching her arm.

"I'll come with you, you don't need to be alone."

"I can't let you see this, I just can't" Melinda accepted that fact and hoped that the reason Olivia didn't want her in the room was that she didn't want anyone to see the exam. Not that she didn't want anyone to see the extent of the damage.

Olivia went up to the nurse at the desk.

"I need a rape kit" She quietly told the nurse. The nurse looked at her and recognized the woman standing in front of her.

"Do you have a victim with you?" She asked innocently, not suspecting the truth.

"No… It's for me." The nurse's eyes widened.

"Have you reported it?"

"Yes" Olivia lied. She told herself it was only a kind-of-lie. She had told Melinda after all. Not that that was reporting it but she couldn't report it. The Special victims unit deals with rape. The special victims unit was her, and her coworkers. She couldn't tell them what happened, she couldn't.

"A doctor will see you soon" The nurse told her, her voice filled with sympathy.

As soon as Oliva left the room Melinda picked up her phone, searching her contact list for someone she knew had to be there. She found the number and took a deep breath before hitting dial. Olivia would never forgive her for this – but she would never forgive herself if she didn't do it.

"Hello, this is Melinda Warner"

"Melinda? Has there come up a new case?" He sounded surprised. Cases usually got to them first.

"Not exactly…" She paused, wondering how to say it. "Cragen, Olivia was raped."


	2. Chapter 2 liars

Olivia followed a nurse in to the exam room obediently. When the doctor saw her she looked shocked.

"Detective Benson?" She asked.

"Um…" Olivia said, not sure how to respond.

"Eh… Well… You know how these things are done…" The doctor trailed off, struggling with the awkwardness of doing a rape kit on the detective. She had seen the detective in front of her bring in victims, speaking softly to them, calming them. Always strong. And now she was a victim herself.

"So if you just lay down here…" Olivia complied in silence, cursing the fact that she didn't ask Melinda to take her to another hospital. One where she wouldn't be as easily recognized. This was hard enough without people seeing her as the detective.

Cragen lowered his face into his hands. He had noticed something was of with Liv but he'd never thought… Oh god. Suddenly all the signs rushed at him. All the times she had looked away. All the times she had said she was fine. How could he not have seen?

Melinda breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Olivia appear. She looked horrible, sure, but at least she had gone thru with it. She walked up to the detective, feeling a surge of guilt. Olivia would hate her. _It's better than hating yourself._ She thought and hoped that Olivia would forgive her.

Cragen paced in his office. What to do? What could he do? Treat it like any other case? Not tell anyone? Tell everyone? Tell everything? Tell nothing? _I need a drink_ he sarcastically thought as he picked up his phone.

"Come" Melinda motioned for Olivia to walk in front of her. She wanted to see the detective, now that she was safe. She knew it was futile, Olivia was very much not safe, but it made Melinda feel better.

_Perfect, just perfect._ Olivia sighed as she followed Melinda's instructions. _When did I become this_. This being someone who followed orders, who complied. She knew the answer but didn't want to admit it. Not even to herself. _This isn't me._

"Cragen?" Amanda hesitated. What was he calling about? The last time she'd gotten a call from work... No, she was past that now. She had dealt with it. But the reply didn't make anything better.

"It's Liv." Oh no. Not Liv, not this, not now. When she finally thought she was over it.

"I need you to investigate" No, she was not doing this. Atlanta SVU couldn't deal with this. And the fact that Benson was, what? A role model? didn't help.

Cragen sensed her insecurity and continued.

"Please, we can't, you…" He trailed of. "You can" He finished deliberately.

"You can do this." Amanda had the feeling he was talking about something else.

When Melinda saw Olivia lock the door she was filled with some kind of sadness. Worry maybe. She told herself she was being stupid, after all, this was detective Olivia Benson. She could take care of herself. Right?

When Olivia could finally close the door she started to cry. Even before the door was fully closed. She desperately hoped that Melinda didn't notice. She sunk down on the floor next to the door. Leaning against it. _This is not me._

_I can't do this. I can't. I have gone to her seminars. I have watched her speak. I can't deal with her being a victim. Not her too._ Amanda put the phone down and stared ahead. Not seeing what was around her. Just him. Again. _Dammit. I'm over this. _The worst part was that she thought he was right. _I have to do this._

Melinda started to walk down the corridor when she heard a strange sound. Olivia was crying. _I can't deal with this._ She turned around and started walking back to her door.

_This is not me. Not now, not here._

"Olivia, please, talk to me."

_I can't deal with this._

Melinda leaned against the door. Let herself sink down on to the floor.

"Talk to me"

Amanda was walking down to the precinct with hurried steps. She had to do this.

Cragen was walking out his door, worry plastered on his face. He knew Elliot would see through it. Fin too. Damn. _I need a drink._

Olivia was sitting on the floor, crying and pretending not too.

Melinda was sitting on the other side, hoping for a miracle.

Fin was worrying about someone he knew could take care of himself.

So was Elliot.

And they were all lying.


End file.
